The Three “C” s of a Successful Marriage

                It is no question divorce is an issue in the United States. Nowadays, its common to hear one of our friends or family members is getting married for the third time. Even then 73% of third marriages fail. Why is it so difficult to stay married? What are we doing wrong that puts our marriage at risk? When we first get married and that honeymoon phase has dissipated, we realize, “Hey, this is going to take work.” Then, we learn how to share the same space with another person, and potentially their kids if you are a blended family, and work around everyone else’s needs or preferences, and idiosyncrasies. In the process we learn that we and our partners are not as similar as we thought. Once it hits us that marriage is not the fairy tale ending, we can become discouraged and even downright depressed. It seems hopeless. Fear not, for all is not lost. While, yes, there is a high divorce rate, there are ways to help keep your marriage intact. These skills may prevent much of the conflict in a relationship that leads to a not-so-happy ending.

(Disclaimer: I am not a marriage counselor, therapist, or psychologist. If there is a need for professional help it is highly recommended to seek it.)

Communication

                It is no question that our world revolves around communication. Whether its verbal, nonverbal, written, or visual, communication is what makes the world go round. Yet, the third highest reason for relationships ending is too much conflict or arguing. If we are always communicating, why is it an issue in our relationships? It is highly likely we simply do not know how. Interpersonal effectiveness is a skill not taught in school or even at home. We watch tv shows, movies, videos on YouTube or Tiktok and see people arguing with one another and think that is how we are supposed to act in real life. Reality check. That is not real life.

                George Bernard Shaw, winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature, said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” In other words, we tend to assume the other person knows what we are thinking or feeling. When the other person is confused about why you are upset it is safe to say they are not telepathic. So, speak up. Instead of using hints for the other person to somehow figure out, say what you mean with tact and diplomacy. Making statements you do not mean, such as insults or comments that are meant to be maliscious, will only cause more problems. Ask yourself do you want a solution, or do you want to win?

The other half of communication is listening. In the book, 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work–Anywhere! Bento C. Leal III quotes Stephen R. Covey, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply.” In other words, stop thinking about how you are going to react and think about trying to understand the other person. Then, think about how you are going to respond. If needed, take a minute, and contemplate a proper response. It is a bad idea to reply filled with overwhelming emotions because it can and possibly will exacerbate the situation instead of resolving it.

Compassion/Consideration

                One thing I am seeing less and less of lately is compassion. I have been seeing so many videos of actions specifically to cause problems. I have seen Youtubers acting obnoxious to everyone around them just to get views and subscribers. They are not taking into consideration of how their actions are affecting the people around them. Its no different from a bully’s actions on the person they are bullying. I see on “reality” shows of people arguing and no one is considering other’s feelings, they are just too busy getting one up on the other person. We emphasize tolerance yet have failed to use it ourselves.

                So, what’s the deal? Our society has become so self-serving and egocentric that even when we are trying to do something for someone else it is really for ourselves. For example, my ex-husband asked me if I liked a certain movie series. I said yes, which was the truth. Well, that series DVD box set was a birthday gift. I liked the movies but not enough to own the DVDs. He really got box set for himself and completely ignored what I truly wanted for my birthday. He got upset with me when I didn’t show as much enthusiasm about the gift that he expected me to. “I got that for you.”

                “I’m sorry, sweetie. There were gifts I specifically asked for. While I appreciate the gift, I never said I wanted to own the movies, only that I liked them.”

                Obviously, that did not go well. I felt guilty because I did not appreciate the effort he went through to get me this gift. It was not until our date night that I truly saw his intention. We sat down to watch a movie after dinner. I had a movie in mind that I wanted to see. My ex-husband immediately wanted to watch the movies he gifted me. “With all due respect, we already seen those movies before. We haven’t seen the one I’d like to watch,” I said.

                He blurted, “But, I really love this movie!”

                I instantly called him out on his Freudian slip. He tried to correct himself. I almost lost my temper. I caught myself and tried to reassure him.

                “Look. If you wanted the movies all you had to do was tell me instead of using my birthday as an excuse to get what you wanted.” Of course, he got mad and that was it for date night.

                Ultimately, I had to be considerate enough to understand how much he wanted to own that box set. Then again, he had to be considerate enough to gift me one of the items from my Wishlist on Amazon that I shared with him. No one is exempt from the Golden Rule, “Do unto other as you would have them do unto you.” Simply, treat others how you want to be treated.

                There is one trick to this whole consideration concept. Do not be so considerate that you compromise yourself, your dignity, or values, etc. If you are considerate of others but the actions and feelings are not mutual then it may be time for a change. Buddha said,” If compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” So be considerate of yourself and move on. Change is the only constant in the universe. Don’t be afraid of it.

Commitment

                The most common reason for divorce is lack of commitment. In other words, at least one person in the relationship has decided that the other is not important enough to maintain a promise. That promise is to love and care for the other. So, when times got tough they went somewhere else or did something else to cope with the tough times. This is a sign of running from the issues instead of working on them the right way.

                Being in a relationship, marriage or otherwise, is not easy. If anyone tells you the contrary, they are either lying, in denial, or simply don’t know. Its work. But loving someone, truly loving them, is worth the effort. If you give up so easily simply because money got tight, the other spends too much time with their friends, or you simply have different taste in music then, I’m sorry but you really weren’t in it for the long run in the first place.

Having said that, there is always exceptions to the rule. You might be in a relationship with someone you are prepared to spend the rest of your life with but your partner isn’t. No matter how much effort you put in to make the relationship work they just aren’t into it. They’re reasons might be, “It’s not you, it’s me,” or, “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” or even, “Things are getting too serious.” If I could rolled my eyes more because of these “reasons”, I’d be looking at the wrinkles in my brain. Honey, please don’t waist your time on someone who doesn’t see your worth. As hard and scary as it may be, you will need to move on and find someone who is willing to make it work.

There is also the exception of being in an abusive relationship. If your partner is confrontational, or emotionaly, mentaly and physically abusive, it is safe to say that commitment to this relationship is detrimental to your health and to your kids if you have them. In the article, 25 Traits of an Abuser, Patrick Wanis Ph.D gives detailed descritpions of quite a few signs of abuse. It is advantageous to know them and to know what to do if you’re ever in that kind of relationship.

Relationships are an extremely complex dynamic. It requires flexibility and adapatability. While the skills I’ve explained are not guaranteed to save a relationship they are some of the top reasons for failed marriages. So, I encourage self-awareness and awareness of your partner’s characteristics. It takes both of you to make your relationship last until death do you part.